Blue Jeans Black Man

Today was an un-inspired day, like the day before and the day before that. I've found no real excitement lately, and I've grown oh so bored. I want the parties, and the booze, the sex and the drugs, the fun. I wish I could be famous, more so than I am now. I need to motivate myself to start making videos again. I got the camera, just need to find the motivation. I recently started working out with my mother, and writing poetry in a book. I plan on filling it up, and it will be my own therapy, and my own poetry book. It's just another thing to tag on to my busy schedule of things I do daily. Dogs with their wieners hanging out on facebook, I think I prefer the blog here. I have all of these random thoughts and ideas but I don't go anywhere with a lot of them. Oh well, one mans mind trash is another man's treasure I suppose. I'm growing tired and should probably get some sleep, but my mind won't allow me to choose that option. It says no Matthew, you have much more important stuff to take care of. I personally don't care. Okay I care a little, but what else can you do but care a little. I wonder what the fuck I'm even talking about when I write these blogs, just nonsensical gibberish to my eyes, but it can't be because I'm writing it down in English. I like having a computer and a keyboard I can just type as fast as my head can produce a thought. That's what's unique and special about me. What is? That is.

Follow the gray swirl, dear friends from below. Nobody knows, or will ever know. Knowing is having and having is great, but it won't be the best with this bitter twist of fate. That was poetry, those two lines of nothingness. It makes me happy to make stuff up and continue going on about my day. I can't wait to work at Pizza hut, it will present so many opportunities. I'll get to work with new people everyday and I'll have more of a social life, which is awesome. I can then use the money to take care of whatever fines I have and start paying my child support again. It's like starting over, from the bottom, from square one. I wish I could work at Hansel's again, but I can't because of the courts.

Knees to the ground

So yesterday was an amazing victory as my team, the Baltimore Ravens beat the Denver Donkeys and upset a great many of my friends. I watched the game with Chay and Stubz and they were all decked out in their bronco gear, broncos lined the walls, a bronco hall of fame, turned quickly to hall of shame when Ray Lewis and the Ravens got that one extra point after the overtime. I also spent the day before that with Ashtin, again she refused to lay with me, but I'm over it now. I have masturbation and other healthy alternatives. I got a job at Pizza Hut, that's exciting for me, but at the same time not that great. I've worked there before, so I wonder if it's going to be the same thing. I hope not, I hope to meet new people, get kick ass at cooking like I always do, and making some money. I also wonder about if I have to pay some fine or not, I don't know. Skyrim calls my day like an ancient but fun grandmother looking to lose her virginity.

I'm waiting for the sims 3 to install on my computer, and it's taking forever!! I want to play it right neowww and create families and watch them grow and make houses and just yeah It's taking forever. I'm also chilling with my mom in the living room, that's a plus.

Naked Woman Jesus

Today is a new day, and so far I wake up refreshed, and ready to go. I don't really want to go to my therapy appointment, but I have to. I have no money, or SSI so I guess I'll just go, and hope for the best. It all worked out in the end, as it does, and has been for me. I know I'm especially gifted and loved by God, because he's got my back whenever things look grim.Today came and went faster than I would have liked it to, not a whole lot happened. I talked to a few friends via facebook, talked to my therapist, ate some Dominoes Parmesan bites, and played video games with Tim. We played this game called Borderlands it's an rpg/shooter game and it's not bad, but I prefer Skyrim Better. I started playing that today too, created a female character who only uses her hands to fight, it's pretty funny. I feel bad for my lack of thought process today, my lack of ideas for this post, but I just don't know what to say. I guess sometimes when you have nothing to say, it's best to just say nothing and wait for the opportune moment to speak your mind. I think, (therefore I am) that's what I'm going to do, goodnight blog.

Warrior Rain

For two days I have been absent, gone, lost in the world of my son and Ashtin. It was a great time spent, we did a lot of things. Although this maiden still refuses to lay with me, for this I will not understand. It attacks my self esteem, but I know that it shouldn't. She loves me, she kisses me, she cuddles me at night before bed, and she showers with me the next day. I tell her how I feel, how I need to feel her embrace, how it weakens me, but she says she feels I am trying to manipulate her into doing what she doesn't want to do.... I feel bad for this, so I stop. My son is a wild fire ball of love and happiness. He gives me kisses, and wants me to hold him, and says "da-da-da" so perfectly it melts my heart each time. I love having children, but they are a lot of work! Not that it's a bad thing, just something I remembered by having my little  boy around. I went to court, and it was fine, I plead not guilty to charges of criminal trespassing and being under the influence of a controlled substance. This all happened when I was having my breakdown and went to Cody on the hunt for the pedophile seen in the flyers around town. I look back on this event with embarrassment, but now I have to face court soon in April or May. On top of that, I have no idea what happened with the domestic battery thing I dealt with. I'm confused about it all, but I guess I just take things as they go, talk to my public defender, keep seeing my therapist, and hope that things work out. I don't know what else I can do.

Tonight at some point I'm supposed to be seeing Amanda, and hanging out with her. I'm not sure what we're going to do, but she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and I know that she's feeling lonely about it. Hopefully we can have a good time, and just enjoy life together as friends do. Just got back from my cousins house, we watched TV and then did nothing... not as much fun as it could have been, but that's life. I just found out my public Defender is going to be Brigida and she the best you can have. I was blown away when I opened the letter, so I can't wait to see what happens when court comes. In fact it's pretty much eliminated all stress I could have. Now I just have to make sure and be a good boy until the court day.... but it's so hard, being a bad boy is so fun! haha I find myself feeling happy today and that's all that matters. G-unit called me King Matthew and I loved it. I'm going to change my facebook accordingly. 

I love adventures, I want to go on one right now! I would love to be a medieval Knight or King, and fight for truth and justice. Or I would like a modern day adventure, whichever came first. I usually cum first, not really, it's a team effort. I'm feeling so good right now, like whatever depression I had before has melted away. I'm not even sure why actually, but I'm not complaining. Tim's about to make Chili dogs, my mom is watching T.V. on the couch, and I'm typing my thoughts away. I still lack motivation to do things in my life... like finding a way to afford my medication, before it runs out. I'm not excited about that.  

Red eyed, purple Raven

I realized just today that somebody is reading my posts! :) I didn't think it was happening, but all of a sudden I noticed each of my blogs was getting a plus one vote. Well not all of them, but some of them. Then I realized somebody I know takes the time to read this everyday, and you're my true best friend whoever you are. Anyway today I went to my friend Chays house and watched the football game Baltimore Ravens vs it doesn't even matter because the Ravens destroyed them. I had a good time, licked Gaia, now feeling drowsy and good. I'm always two steps behind, one step forward. Well not always, but that's how my mind feels today. Which is better, because yesterday was low feeling day. I'm thinking its cause the sun was out more and could charge me. I feel stinky today, I need to take a shower, I hate feeling like the stinky one, but today I did, and maybe it was in my head, I don't know but after getting so high that paranoia creep-ed in. There was a dude outside on a 4-wheeler driving around showing off, but I wasn't interested. I ate a bar that tastes good today and had a rootbear. I feel fresh and clean, as my mother Did the wash, and I took a shower. How wonderful it feels to be fresh again. All I need now, is dirty sex, that filth I dream about.

Abstract Tuxedo Mask

I wish she could love me, the way I need her to love me, and not rely so heavily on me loving her. I don't even know what I mean by that, but it's thoughts that come to my head and feel I need to express somewhere. I'm not a fan of being let down, being down hurts and it's an inescapable prison that life has to offer. I deserve prestige, for nothing more than the fact that I want to feel like someone's King, I've done so much to be one. I'm a hopeless romantic, with a non-hopeless feel to it. I want to be just a Romantic, just a Romeo, who has fallen madly and deeply in love with a Juliet, but my problem is I've never found a Juliet willing to love me as a Romeo. Always too nice, always used, abused, torn, tattered, I'm a fucking Mattress. I need to be a Matt, I want to be a Matt, I am a Matt, not a door Mat, but a Matthew who is deserving of his Persephone, whoever she may be, and whenever she may appear.

I often wonder why I'm here, or what's the point of everything? I find that I am guided by Stars, but I don't understand where they are leading me. Maybe that's the point, we don't know, or need to know. I just feel so trapped in myself, a cage fighter  ready to escape but he's shackled down and forced to be a good boy. I want to dream, and then chase my dream. I want to fly, I want to travel the world, I want millions of people loving and respecting me. I want...that which I cannot have. Or who knows, maybe one day I'll get a lucky break. Grace by surprise, my beautiful daughter got to come over and spend the day with me. I'm so very happy, and proud of her, she makes my day. We've drawn, colored, and just hung out tickling eachother and laughing. I needed this, I've missed her so much and it wasn't fair that I hadn't been able to see her, because of my divisibility. Right now she's coloring in her coloring book, and I'm typing this, she can color very well! She's so intelligent, and so wild, and funny, and free. I envy her.... I wish I could be a kid again, life was easier.

Persephone Flowers

I hate the court system, I hate it. I wish I didn't have to go to court, I wish it was all over with. What happened was stupid, I can control my alcohol, and the night I was getting hit by a woman I defended myself and got her off of me. I shouldn't be on bond, I shouldn't be continually punished for what I've done, anyone else would have done the same thing! I'm ready to just be over and done with everything and life will be better. I'm tired of waiting for what I'm going to get. Oh well, I'm over it, just one more thing to stress myself out with, and I don't need anymore stress. I have to figure out what I'm going to do about finding a job and money, but everything I need is still unpacked at Ashtin's house and Idk.... rant over. I am the king of the free world one day, I will use this power to bring peace and chaos, both things are fair. What is a moment, but an eternity.

I've spend the day doused in conspiracy theory with Trish. It's been pretty awesome, I just wish we could know the truth and not be surrounded in mystery. That sucks, maybe one day they will appear on the news, and tell us all what's happening. I know I'm a descendant of Aliens, the pleadians and they have guided me to where I need to be in my life. At least that is one of my created dellusions that I have manifested due to being a Taurus. Overly encompassing boredom has got the best of me, deteriorating my soul and my happiness. I just want to find a girl, kiss her, and make love to her. I think until I have reached this goal, I will not be happy. But then again, maybe this is just like chasing a high that will never come. Who really knows, I put my life in God's hands and thank him daily for the opportunity to be here, experiencing this shit. And like that, friend after friend wants to hang out. I knew my long journey of hanging on my computer not doing anything would pay off.

A gorgeous purple beach for me to enjoy freely, in my kingdom of heaven that is laid out for me. I know that I am worth all the love and care in the world, and it is my mission objective to get ahold of that. I know some things are definitely worth the wait. I'm going to hang out with Amanda now, Tyler Shick Eventually, and Cloud later to do Tarot readings. I believe in Lust at first sight, not love but lust. Nobody can truly love another person until they have spent time with that person and learned what that person is like. Now you can lust and want to fuck a dream girl the moment you see her face for the first time. These two feelings, should not get confused. I liked the car-ride I went on with Amanda it was nice to drive around, even if we did nothing but talk and cruise. She is bi-polar like myself which is for some odd reason an instant attraction to me. We've both had fucked up pasts, but we talked much of our future's and how things are.

I am a horny, attractive, young Male who needs to get his cock wet in a woman's pussy now!! Okay maybe that was a bit much, but damn the above girl looks hot. That's what I need. A gorgeous young blonde girl with big breasts, a tight pussy, who is always down to fuck, and smokes weed like a champion. If ever I have wanted such a girl, now I need her more. The law of attraction is a powerful and beautiful. We attract the likeness of our self, so it's good to wish for dream ladies. I know that one day I'm going to look back at these ramblings I call life journals, and will have had what's in the picture above, and when that day happens, I'm going to smile and laugh at how sad and pathetic I feel right now that I don't have one.

She Devil, Mage Protection.

Today I had my first Psychiatrist appointment, and it was alright. We talked about me, me, me. How boring. I guess that's the point though, talking and getting yourself out. I should have laid on the couch, just like I had always imagined. Well that might have been weird, but oh well. He s the one, who doesn't forget what he was talking about. That's exactly what I did. I forgot what I was talking about, and too lazy to read up ahead. I understand that when it comes to poor life, I don't understand anything. I see a world full of corrupt power and greediness, not the world I want to see. I speak no evil, unless I'm caster a spell of delicious fury. I love all, who love me in return. I do what I want, limited heavily on what society wants. I feel like a waste of space, whose nature is self needed. I am what I am, and I can't change that. I love everything about where life is, or how it goes. I want to be a happy person living the life, having work and a steady income with no worries. I hate living in confusion, it makes my brain foggy. I wonder where I'm going in life, right now sitting watching family guy enjoying it, but rather who is Matthew Jessen and what does he want to do?

I'm supposed to hang out with a girl named Amanda that should be fun. It beats sitting around at home wishing I was off doing something with Amanda. I wonder why people are so money driven. I hate feeling stressed, and it eats away at my soul like a succubus thirsting for a man's cock. I see Persephone as two people, the most beautiful bride a person could ask for, and a blood sucking monster that I can't stand. I want to fight the evil in my life, the dark side, but I can't get past the fact that the power is unimaginable and better. What do I really want in life? Sex. I think no matter how I try, or where I go, I can't escape the fact that I am sexually deprived and I need to get my rocks off in something. I want a bunch of beautiful girls, drugs, and partying and sex everywhere.

Disoriented, unable to sleep I don't like being in my own skin today. I hate it actually, all of a sudden in a flash of a moment life got hard again, when I made a goal of things being easy. I hate when things get hard, except for my cock, it can get hard and stay hard forever as far as I'm concerned. I'm so fucking lonely, surrounded by the same thing that in Evanston would have made me happy. Maybe that's just me, maybe I'm incapable of being a happy person. 

Outlook Not So Good

January 2nd 2013

The New year came and went, and It was a wonderful time spent boozing with friends and tap-dancing with Gaia, mother earth. Being hung over sucks, but it's alright I mostly just slept my day away. I've been thinking a lot about God recently and how he has been guiding me on an amazing path. Each day is filled with new encounters and I'm progressively getting more and more comfortable in my own skin. I am Matthew Jessen, I can be everything I want, and things will go well for me. After waking up today my entire body was sore...... I hate sleeping wrong. On facebook I'm attempting a feet of 1,000 comments which maybe impossible but I worked it out. I spent the day with my Cousin Erik and my brother Tim. I have a mental health appointment tomorrow, and I'm excited. I'm back and with just a few minutes left, I must end on a note of constant sorrow. Not really gaia has molested me with her weed essence, and I must rest my sleepy eyes soon. You can be anything you want to be Matthew Jessen, stop tying to give up on yourself so early. Things are good, treatment worked, take things as they go. Just go with the flow, god works in mysterious ways and when you figure out how much life is real and not real at the same time, we are all machines, puppets, mules gods tucked aways in this mortal flesh that has to endure emotions.